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Sometimes despite how much a couple loves each other there is that niggling black cloud; a feeling that 'something's not right'. Dr Ellen Harley PHD offers us her extensive experience to help identify relationship problems in order to face them constructively.
Relationship problems are common and by no means rare. Demographic variables, such as divorce rates, may be the most statistically reliable index of marriage problems. For first marriages this is about 40% to 45% in the United States, the UK and Australia, but this only represents a portion of all couples experiencing problems and it does not reflect couples who are cohabiting. Available data suggests that the rates of relationship problems and breakdown are substantially higher for cohabiting couples than for married couples. Married couples may not divorce despite problems due to the need to stay together for their children, or social and financial reasons. Therefore the prevalence of relationship problems is thought to be considerably higher than reported divorce rates. These high rates suggest that relationship problems are very common, indeed, perhaps statistically the ‘norm’.
Relationship problems can occur at different stages in the relationship, such as childbirth, childrearing, conflict with teenage children, children leaving home, caring of elderly relatives, retirement and ageing. Negative life events, such as physical or emotional ill health, financial problems, redundancy or stress at work can also trigger relationship problems.
Apart from these external environmental factors, individual vulnerabilities of each partner also play a role in the development and maintenance of problems. Individual characteristics refer to upbringing, childhood and adolescent experience, and personality factors. These traits are very much influenced by family of origin, attachment style and ability to cope with negative feelings and conflict. Each partner brings into the relationship his/her individual characteristics which impact on couple interactions.
Life events and stresses, individual characteristics of partners and couple interaction all interact together and become a rich minefield for problems and conflict to occur. Experiencing conflict is normal in any relationship. It is more important to know how to constructively resolve differences.
You feel unhappy in your relationship. You feel that your partner no longer understands you. You experience feelings of frustration and resentment and guilt. You may even entertain ideas of leaving. You may just experience a vague sense of dissatisfaction in your relationship. Most of the time you know something is wrong, but cannot pinpoint exactly what and where and how. Your sex life will most likely suffer. You may not be in the mood. You may not be aroused even if your partner tries to please you sexually. You may not be able to achieve orgasm. You may experience pain during intercourse. You will generally feel the loss of quality in your sex life.
Generally speaking, there are four areas in a relationship where problems are most likely to occur. They are: intimacy, communication, power and role.
Intimacy is a process where a person feels understood, validated, respected and cared for. There are different aspects of intimacy: emotional, social, intellectual, sexual, recreational and spiritual.
Ask yourself the following questions:
How many times have you answered ‘yes’? This would be an indication of whether you have problems in the area of intimacy in your relationship.
Problems in communication are almost universal in unhappy relationships. Communication problems in relationships tend to happen in two main areas: confiding and problem solving.
Confiding is the extent to which partners reveal themselves to each other, including thoughts, feelings and experiences. Ability to confide and self disclose contributes to a sense of intimacy in relationships, which is fundamental to relationship success.
Problem solving refers to how a couple deals with conflict and how they negotiate to achieve a common goal.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Answer these questions truthfully and honestly, then read your answers again and you will have a general idea whether you have a problem in the area of communication and problem solving in your relationship.
In this context the concept of power includes responsibility, discipline, control, role negotiation and decision-making. If one partner consistently feels that he/she has been undermined and feels unequal in the partnership, it can lead to low marital satisfaction and higher levels of conflict between partners.
However, an imbalance of power may not automatically generate dissatisfaction. Perception of power in a relationship depends on what the individuals feel, rather than their actual abilities to exercise decision-making or control. It may suit an individual not to have to make decisions.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Who is primarily responsible for the following decisions,yourself, your parter, or both of you?:
Again if you have answered these questions truthfully and honestly, this will give you a good idea if there are any power differential between you and your partner. Ask yourself how do you feel about it.
In the years gone by, roles within marriages were clear. The wife’s job was to provide nurture and social support inside the home, while the husband was to cope with outside environment, to provide and to protect.
Societal changes, for example, the increase of females in workforce, sharing the benefits of increased income and greater status, have resulted in the change of role attitude (what one thinks should happen). When changes in role attitude do not reflect in role behaviour (what actually happens), then problems may occur. When circumstances force a change in role behaviour, which is not accompanied by a change in role attitude, problems may result. For example if a woman harbours a belief in traditional wife role of staying at home (role attitude), she wouldn’t be very happy if her partner loses his job and she has to go out to work (role behaviour). Matched role behaviour and attitude between partners is associated with marital satisfaction.
Ask yourself the following questions:
The answer to these questions will give you an idea of the discrepancies between your role attitude (what your beliefs are) and role behaviour (what is actually happening). The bigger the discrepancies, the more unhappy and frustrated you will feel.
Now that you have some ideas about which area within your relationship that needs looking at, you can start working on improving it. However when these problems are deep seated and entrenched, and are far more complex involving different strands of your life, then you will need expert and professional help. Seeing a sex and relationship therapist can help you tease out these complexities, to develop an understanding and awareness to your difficulties, and to identify and practise on changing your thinking and your behaviour, so that your relationship and your sex life can be satisfying again. The therapist will see both of you together, as well as individual sessions, in order to do a thorough assessment. You will have a session together to discuss the formulation of the problems, and the treatment plan.
Copyright Dr. Ellen Harley 2011
To speak with Ellen for individual relationship advice view her profile.
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