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Receive our newsletterFormer principle of the National Autistic Society Bill Goodyear answers your questions on how best help children with learning difficulties at school age.
Children who are experiencing some kind of developmental disorder tend to find social interaction more difficult than most, and tend to be slower in their development, so they do often find themselves left behind. Typically they tend to relate better to adults, maybe find one firm friend, who is often similarly marginalised, and for some this is enough. It is important to remember that social interaction is very important to most children, but may not even feel relevant to many children with Asperger’s Syndrome, so try to assess whether they are happy with their situation, and in any case remember to encourage what does exist already. If they want more friends they will have to do something about it, but it may be that they are happy with the one or two souls they do feel comfortable with already.
If there is a need to help your child make friends, it is best not to go for big unstructured groups, and much better to go for small groups, organised structured and some focus on activity that suits your child. So your strategy is less likely to succeed if you invite 15 children to a party at your house than if you invite one for a sleep over. Also, remember to let them develop a style that works for them – it may be enough for two kids to sit next to one another on computers, not talking for hours. You may not like it, but may be the best that they can do.
Being good at something is a great playground currency, so if football is important it may be useful to get some ball skills lessons so she or he can learn to be a really good footballer, although team games are generally very difficult for a child with a developmental disorder to manage well. Clubs and groups such as the cubs and scouts can work for some – uniform, ritual and leadership are all present in these organisations. Some activities are highly competitive, which unless you are super good is generally not a good thing, and some are less so - skateboarding is a highly individualised activity for instance, with a low level of competition and high acceptance.Martial arts are a good way to develop self-reliance and respect, and come with a message about individual responsibility and develop confidence. All these choices will be directed by your own family culture – some will feel right to you and others may feel foreign, so choose what feels right.
In the end, your child will develop a level of social ability, though it may be slower to develop and it may be less comfortable for him or her than you hoped for. If mixing and being with the others in the playground becomes a big problem (and it can), it is sometimes best to make the school find an alternative way to spend playtime than teaching him such things as ‘well hit them back’ (he will get hurt and frightened) or ‘just get out there and find a way to get along’ (he would if he could). If you are not comfortable with what is going on intervene in some way and remember that social ability comes from the child – all you can do is stage manage learning experiences, not teach the skills of socialisation directly.
And lastly, if bullying occurs, demand that the school step in at once to stop it in any way possible, as it can be the most destructive thing imaginable and the experience can dog a child through later life.
Moderate learning difficulties are a very broad term. Main school integration is a very broad concept, so it is very hard to offer a clear answer. The biggest factor is the school – are they capable of meeting the child’s needs and does your child enjoy being there? Mainstream schools are usually good at re-assuring parents and continuing to do their best to cope and manage while they give the child time to develop the skills and attitudes needed to move forward. They are usually very good at including and very patient. However, they are also becoming increasingly quick to exclude and before that they sometimes fail to make all the provision they promise. The thing to keep your eye on is your child’s daily experience. If it is bad, it may be better to seek a specialist school, or a different mainstream school. Changes take time and a school career is a brief thing, so it is better to move sooner rather than later.
What mainstream does do is to leave intact a child’s view of themselves as a mainstream operator who can move ahead, get a job, a life and all the things that we hope for in our children. It also holds all options open in terms of exam success and further education. However, bullying, academic failure and bad relationships with teachers can destroy confidence, so these possibilities may not be of value. What a specialist school can do is to provide extra attention, a much higher guarantee of success and hence a greater chance of a happy and confident child. Private schools can also provide much of this, with a more able peer group and no loss of aspiration, though sometimes with a lesser level of specific skill and understanding and, of course, a financial cost, although local education authorities may be persuaded to pay for such a provision.
You can tell if there is something different about your daughter by trying really had to help her to learn the social rules and watching her language development in comparison to other children of her age. However, remember that the speed of development in children can vary considerably and what matters most is that she gets there, not how fast she travels.
Children throw tantrums – it can be sign of a strong personality developing, and it can be a sign of a gap in comprehension, but all children fight the idea that they are not the only important person in the world, and all children respond well to this way of managing them: only the time they take to accept it varies* Be consistentWhenever she starts to have a tantrum, respond in the same way. Never say ‘ can’t be bothered’ or ‘it’s too embarrassing’ and don’t avoid the fight* Be acceptingShe is having a tantrum, she is upset, and it is horrible for her. You do have to do something about it, and it is horrible for you, but don’t resent it, just do what is needed with love.* Be clearDo and say what you need to so that she notices it – when you are in the middle of a tantrum you don’t have much spare capacity for noticing someone else, so simplify what you say and be very clear in your actions.* Be niceYou also having a tantrum helps no one. Smacking is not the answer either – pain interferes with learning and represses bad feelings. Remain clear, calm and consistent and be ready to drop the fight as soon as you can.* Mean itDon’t ever say no, unless you can enforce it, and always say no to the same things – don’t suddenly go all soft and let her have the sweets ‘just this once’ So watch her to find out when the tantrums occur, and notice exactly what sets her off and the first things she does on the way to the battle. Notice also what happens just before she gives up. As likely as not she gets attention or escape. In the future give her the attention or freedom in response to some simple thing she can learn to do – smile, touch your arm, be quiet etc. When she takes the first step to the battleground, remove that attention or freedom - put her back in her chair, turn away from her. Tell her ‘No’ if necessary, and redirect her to something she can be rewarded for and as soon as she is performing as you want, reward her with a big smile, or a hug. Be prepared to have your patience tried as she will resist, but a 2 year old can be expected to learn fast, though she will initially try your patience. If there is not effect from following this after a month, you may have a problem and may need to got to your GP for a referral to a psychologist. Alternatively please visit greatvine.com where you will find highly qualified child psychologists of whom you can arrange to speak to from the comfort and safety of your own home.
Ration the screen time and insist on family time every day. Choose a hobby for him to follow. He may like something cerebral like chess, and he may be willing to have a go at something structured like a martial art. He may also be willing to get interested in collecting, sorting and cataloguing anything from stamps to butterflies. Teach it to him and only give him the choice when he has achieved some competence. Avoid big noisy unstructured activities but look within your family to find a hobby someone else likes. As far as you can, follow his interests, but if they are screen based, impose a riel that limits all screen time.
The brief answer to this is to refuse to accept second best for your child. If you feel the teachers do not have a grasp on how to manage your child and are not meeting his needs in some way, talk to them, make notes of that talk and the promises they make and if they fail to change their ways go to the SENCO and Head Teacher. If there is any doubt about your child’s special needs insist on them and get them to make a Statement of Educational needs, make sure your point of view is included and make sure they meet all the needs.
Build a file of letters, notes and meeting notes and make sure the other parties each have a copy of every document.If this does not work within a term, go to the Local Education Authority and start to seek a school, which you feel, will meet his or her needs.Fight in writing to seek funding for a place at the school of your choice and gradually include more and more senior people in the fight. Class teachers, SENCO, Head teacher, LEA special needs managers, Director of Education, Chair of the Education committee, your local councillor, your MP, the minister for education. Do not rest till you have a hand signed letter from the minister. Include organisations that offer help (IPSEA, CAB, NAS, etc.) and never take no for an answer, and if you need to go to tribunal to overturn an unsatisfactory decision, do so, using legal aid and the most experienced lawyer you can find. Don’t give up!
Bill Goodyear is a specialist coach who helps people with Asperger's syndrome. Formerly a principal for the National Autistic Society, Bill has over 25 years of experience in the field, a Master's in NLP and is the author of the book “Coaching People With Asperger’s Syndrome”. For individual advice you can trust, book a private phone call with Bill.
