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Receive our newsletterMy top tips for maintaining and improving your emotional wellbeing in motherhood are based on a lifetime of experience working as a health visitor, my own journey through mental ill health and ongoing learning through life. What I say here can apply if you are suffering from postnatal depression, but equally will help you maintain your mental and emotional health. It’s not something you do when you’ve got time, it’s not something you do and then it’s done, it’s something that needs to become part of your everyday life because if you can maintain a positive attitude and if you can live a life in which stress is maintained at a healthy level your all over health will be improved.
One of the things that has become clear to me over the years is that we cannot separate our mental health from our physical health. Have you noticed that if you are stressed or feeling emotionally low your body is telling you loud and clear? If you haven’t then start noticing. I went through a period of therapy and one of the things I learnt was just that. I had a miscarriage in the spring over 20 years ago but I struggled to grieve. In fact I didn’t, but my body knew and was telling me. It was the spring 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with stress related depression. And it has always been the spring when I have experienced dental infections, horrible colds and ear infections. It is as if my body has been trying to tell me something. And it still does. I notice outbreaks of eczema when I am stressed and am not doing anything about it.
Let me now share my beliefs about mental and emotional wellbeing. These are based on my years of personal and professional experience and my reading of research. I believe there is a continuum up and down which we move during our lives depending on a variety of things including life events, the stories we create about ourselves as we go through life and also the circumstances we find ourselves in and the people we surround ourselves with. For me that continuum has at one end, the times when we are feeling extremely positive about life and, at the other end the depths of despair when someone may choose to take his or her own life. Fortunately most of us don’t reach that end and seek anxiety advice. However as many as 1 in 4 of us will tip over into a clinical mental illness at some point in our lives.
So what has this got to do with postnatal depression advice? And I’m not just talking about a clinical illness called postnatal depression here, I’m talking about the low mood experienced by many women in the first few weeks or months after childbirth. I believe that a lot of the low mood we experience after childbirth is about loss. Look at the things we lose when we have a baby. For me the biggest thing was the loss of freedom I had held dear for so many years. I remember not that long ago my husband saying to me that having my lovely daughter had clipped my wings. But other women may lose their careers or they may mourn the loss of their body image. They may not have the labour they dreamed of or the reality of motherhood may not match up to the fantasy. In having a baby prematurely a woman loses the end of her pregnancy; that time when she gets into nest building mode and when she is anticipating the birth.
So my first tip (and they’re in no particular order) is to just take time to think and acknowledge what you have lost and don’t feel guilty about it. It’s OK. We do tend to beat ourselves up when we feel we have it all and are sad about something we are missing or have missed out on. Then take the time to think of all the positives in your life and make a conscious choice to focus on them.
We often talk about gratitude and some people will write a daily gratitude list. I do it sometimes but not regularly. But if I have a bad day (and we all do at times) then I make sure I do reflect on what has happened in the day to be grateful for. Believe me there is always something. It may be just being alive, your baby’s smile, something small your partner may have done for you or sometimes I just look outside to nature and notice the birds or the flowers.
Many of us women feel we should be able to cope and juggle a million and one things. But it’s OK to ask for help when things become too much and it’s OK and really important to ask for help if we are feeling unhappy or our mood is low. Also if you find you’re not getting any pleasure out of life and you’re not enjoying things in the way you used to, again ask for help. You may have postnatal depression and you need help to get better and believe me, you will get better.
A fourth tip: is your life governed by to do lists? And do you ever get to the bottom of that to do list? In other words are you asking too much of yourself? Well let’s just look at it another way. You are going through a massive life change, probably the biggest you will ever go through. You are probably tired; your body may have taken a battering. Don’t be too hard on yourself! I bet you don’t treat your best friend like you treat yourself so start to be your own best friend. Cut down on that to do list and set yourself baby steps to achieve. For some women getting dressed may be an achievement, you could then add putting some makeup on. Or it may be getting out for a walk. Rather this than doing the washing and the ironing, cleaning the house from top to bottom and having some cordon bleu meal prepared for your partner when he comes in. Do you see what I’m getting at? And, believe me, you will feel so much better if you set yourself small goals which are achievable rather than failing to complete that long to do list.
The next thing I want to tell you about is learning to be present in the moment. There’s been some great work done in the States linking the practice of “mindfulness” to improvement in mood. And it’s simple. The best place to start is to sit yourself down somewhere comfortable and just spend 5 minutes focussing on your breathing as you breathe in and out. Let any thoughts just pass through. Don’t fight them. See how you get on. The more you do this the more you will be able to switch your mind into the present when you find yourself getting stressed, worried or anxious. Other ways to help you be present in the moment are to go out for a walk and notice the impact of the world around you on the senses. What do you see? What can you hear? What do you feel? Can you taste anything? And can you smell anything?
There’s much more I could write but I know that these tips do make a difference. You don’t have to be ill to have them help you. I know, because I use them myself, that they will improve your sense of wellbeing. That in turn will improve your health generally.
To speak with Ann for individual expert advice on postnatal depression call her on 0906 400 6223 or view her profile.
View the full list of Experts who can offer postnatal depression advice here, depression advice or anxiety advice here
